;

Trigger Warning

Everywhere you go in this world, there is a mark of solidarity, a mark of survival…

A semicolon—for the people who once attempted to end it all. But by some divine interruption or self-imposed restraint, they didn’t go through with it.

…

---

I wear a semicolon too.

But mine wasn’t stopped by self-restraint. I tried to end it, but I kept being divinely interrupted.

💭

Today, I went for a walk, and the song “Give Me Tears to Cry” by Lawrence Oyor began to play. If you can, play it while you read this. It shaped everything I felt and will share here.

Oh, I have nothing special to say. Nothing at all.

This week, I just want to bask in the beauty of time. Because that was what happened to me.

I just walked with joy in my heart. I saw the birds I’m now accustomed to watching (…or stalking…😬), the clouds I’ve turned into a hobby, and I felt the beauty of the silence of my quiet morning

Remember, nothing special was happening here. But it was mine. It was beautiful. It was special. And two years ago, I wouldn’t have been here to see it. I wouldn’t have been here at all. Two years ago, I didn’t want to be alive.

…💭

Depression, to me, is a dark hole of nothingness—a place so empty your soul cannot find a way out. It’s your soul searching desperately for a crack of light and finding none; depression leaves you convinced that darkness and emptiness are all there is.

My depression almost killed me. I wanted to sleep. I thought everything around me was all there ever was and would be. And if that was the case, there was no point in living one more day in this never-ending cycle.

So…Let me sleep.

I repeated that word—“sleep”—so many times it became my obsession. It became the means by which I wanted to leave this world. I believed there was an eternal rest, a place of joy that I could reach if I could just sleep, escape the dark and empty cycle and not wake up to this life again.

I tried three times to end my life, but that man upstairs kept cutting me off. I was pissed.

---

And now, two years after my final attempt, I think it all hit me. Being here, being alive…As I took my morning walk, I became overwhelmed with immense joy. My little bubble of indescribable joy. Yes, that’s what it was. I have a wonderful, beautiful life.

How can I describe my thought process:

…I am living in a little bubble of indescribable joy…me? Tutu? Me? Whose life was nothing but emptiness 2 years ago…me? Tutu? Me? Who had no business, no money, no home, no hope, no friends, no joy, no family. Me!? My life feels so amazing…Me?! Me!??? Look at the sky. Look at the birds. The music. Me? I love everything around me; I love everyone that surrounds me. I love everything I am doing. I have joy. I have peace. I am happy for no reason. Me!!!!?????

The tears of joy started to pour, I thought I was going crazy.

“Give me Tears to Cry”…Indeed He did.

I imagined what would have happened if I had succeeded in those dark moments. The tears were a mix of joy and sadness at the thought that I would have missed the life I currently have. All the people I have now met, everything I am currently experiencing. Would I even have found the joy I thought awaited me on the other side? Would I have missed the beauty that’s all around me here?

I REMEMBER…

I clawed out of that dark hole, and it started with a crack. The tiny cracks of hope I had left. This little light of mine I held on to for dear life. The world couldn’t have been all dark. I felt it, I knew it, I believed it. I needed to find, fight, and punch my way out. All it took was a crack of light, and I held onto it for dear life. Over time, I realised you could peel back more layers of light in your life.

I healed.

I admitted I was in a dark space. I found God. I didn’t go looking for Him; He found me on that last day I tried. I was angry. But I knew He was there. Someone was there with me, alone in that room, watching me angrily shout at life to leave me the fuck alone.

The weight of depression had to drop. Depression makes every step heavy. So I took one heavy step a day. I got out of bed and got back in. My to-do list would have one task: send a text. Just one.

One heavy step. Every day.

I didn’t speak to people. I was scared they wouldn’t hold my fragile heart with care. I watched videos about what I was going through. I sang worship songs, fervently. I watched sermons on repeat. Thank you, Nathaniel Bassey, Sarah Jakes Roberts, and Apostle Joshua Selman.

I let the universe conspire in my favour to bring the right people, things, and opportunities into my life. I made space for them.

I made space, that was all I could do, and it made all the difference.

---

Today, I wear a semicolon. I sing a melody of joy in my heart, with tears streaming down my face, because my incompletion made me complete. In attempting to end my life, I found it. And though the story will never be completed, the journey continues.

We can’t stop halfway and decide to end it there.

If I go, I want to go climbing up the mountain, not sliding down.

I bless the days of depression. Without them, how else would I have gained this new vision—to appreciate every little thing in this world? As Jim Carrey said, “Depression is your body saying, ‘I don’t want to be this avatar anymore. I don’t want to hold up this character you’ve created in the world.’” My soul was tired of playing that small, weak, beaten-down character. I had to shed it.

For so long, I felt caged, disconnected from my inner strength, and blinded by darkness. In navigating my life struggles, I could not find the strength in me to crack the darkness and find light; I had to silence the wild, unrelenting power within me. There is a fierce and untamed strength lying dormant within all of us, waiting to be acknowledged and unleashed… within you is an unstoppable force—a power to claw your way out of despair and into the light. Embracing this inner strength became my path to healing and self-discovery. I had to uncage the bird.

Maya Angelou knew why the caged bird sang: it sang for freedom, it yearned for light. And so did I. And for that, I am endlessly grateful.

So, I bless the days of depression and pain. I bless the days God gave me tears of sadness to cry. I also bless the days He gave me tears of joy to cry. I bless the beauty of time and realisations. I bless the divine interruptions that kept me here. I bless the story of my life, the journey it took to get me here. I bless every single thing that occurred to make me the person who stands here today.

Everywhere you go in this world, there is a mark of solidarity, a mark of survival. A semicolon- an incomplete symbol for those who once attempted to end it all but, by divine interruption or self-imposed restraint, chose to keep going and didn’t go through with it.

I wear mine with pride.

And if you’re in that dark hole, I want you to know this: all it takes is one crack of light.

Hold onto it.

Claw your way toward it.

Fight for it.

You are not alone.

One day, you will look at the world with joy in your heart, tears in your eyes, and know that the journey was worth it.

Your journey is worth it! I promise you.

You will look back one day my friend.

You will see the birds, the clouds, and the quiet morning…

And you will find your light 🧡✨💫